If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
You deplete me
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
“No way.” -Jose
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.