Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
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I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.