The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
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If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Google reviews are always so mixed..