My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
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Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
sry
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?