One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
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Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Saturday
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Weirdos gonna weird.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.