This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
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If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.