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I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
12. I think about this all the damn time
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.