My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
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Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My love language is deader than Latin
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready