4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.