Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
You Might Also Like
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
this is what they would have looked like, though
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*