[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
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I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
#parenting
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
so weird how every mom was born today
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god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”