Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Something Saturday.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked