ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
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What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.