“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
You Might Also Like
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!