When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
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You better watch out
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Lmao the reply
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.