I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.