Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
War & Peace
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
This cat wants you to take your pills
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
crazy
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.