The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
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1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
necessity is the mother of invention
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.