[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
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me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Best spot.. 😅
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…