*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Print is alive and well!!!
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.