“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
My flabber has been gasted.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk