Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
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I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Life hack
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
new year update: losing everything but weight
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Nothing.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread