That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I have no passwords left in me
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time