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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Nothing to do, you say?
If only.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.