Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Mistakes were made
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.