Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
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Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Basketball
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Banana is the quietest snack
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,