HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
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can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Coffee is ready.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist