If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
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black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it