Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
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Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child鈥檚 face while taking a picture of them. It鈥檚 called balance
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 馃槈
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it鈥檚 not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won鈥檛 be attending this year鈥檚 #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i鈥檓 making that one wear shoes
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Mhm.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage