Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
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Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Tremendous stuff
“What movie?” 🤔
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.