Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
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If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?