Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
You Might Also Like
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Finally!
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE