The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
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When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”