Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
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One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
my name if I was in the mob
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
this could fix me
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit