All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
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SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
The “baby” on the left….
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist