Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
You Might Also Like
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*