He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
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My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.