You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
any last words?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.