My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
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My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”