Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
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vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
very niche meme I made
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame