Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
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She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
March 16
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Oh. My. God.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice