due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
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Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.