WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
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Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.