*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
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[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
me as a parent
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.