[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual