Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
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[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Bread puns are on the rise!
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art