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Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.