I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
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911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.