I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
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a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size