Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
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the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?